Friends
What are friends? Friends are someone that has your back no matter the circumstance. They are individuals that will never leave you in crisis. Someone that will be there for you through thick and thin. Don’t question your motives. Pray for you when you are down and need to lifted up. Never stop loving you.
I have several people that I would call very close to me. I have known them for decades. There are friends that I have known for a few years. I have people that I know through business. My inner circle of friends is very limited. I like many people. I love fewer. They know who they are.
Sometimes I wonder if the ones that I call friends can really understand how I feel. I feel alone at times even when I am with other people to including friends. Are they looking at me differently? Do they really understand what is like to be me? How could they understand not being able to remember their names? I see their names in my mind but my mouth cannot form the words. I try not to embarrass myself when I talk to them. I don’t want them to feel less of a friend because I can’t readily call their name. I never want to slight anyone. I know I have people around me that knows me and knows what is going on with me, that loves me dearly.
Do they even realize that I am struggling for words? I am trying my best. Sometimes the words do not come easy. Word that I could sprout very easily don’t come to mind. It is a struggle to even get my thoughts out. I have found myself avoiding people to keep from starting a conversation at times. It is not that I don’t want to talk to them or be around them. It is because I don’t know how to get eh conversation started. Am I going to forget what I want to say or just forget the words to say? Edie sometimes tries to finish my sentences. That really makes thing worse. I know she is just trying to help. That is why I avoid contact at times. Just be understanding with me. Let me struggle. I might change the subject but it is my mind playing tricks. I really want to talk to you. I want you to know what is on my mind. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. That is not what I am saying. Just be patient with me.
With all the mind issues going on, I have my health issues that is going down hill as well. I don’t know if the health issues are causing the memory issues or if the memory issues are causing the health issues. I am really struggling with both. Both are very concerning. One is enough to be difficult to handle. But having both problems is sometimes hare to handle. I would want to cry because it so difficult to understand. Why me? Then I realize that I am not to blame. Maybe the rough sports and lifestyle I have experienced has caused it. I don’t know. All I know is that I have a lot to live for. My wife of 49 years is the top reason. My children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are an inspiration to me. My church friends and the Knights of Columbus friends are important to me. I will get through this the best I can. I may struggle, but I will not give up. I hope to be an inspiration to others that are going through this and those who are caring for their loved ones struggling with this disease. I believe that caregivers are the most precious people in the world. Whether they are paid professionals or just common folks with uncommon strength to take care of those with the disease, all are heroes.
Don’t let my inability to converse the best be an obstacle in you being my friend. I need each of you. I need your strength and love to get me through. Don’t shut me out. Don’t be afraid to be around me. What I have is not contagious. You will not get sick being my friend. It is the life that I have and I will do my best to live it to the fullest.
My Journey with Dementia 